So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
