I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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