I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
