just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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