I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
