Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
