I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
