I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
