That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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