my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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