oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
