Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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