I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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