For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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