I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
