You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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