I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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