I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
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I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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