Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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