I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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