I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
