it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Terrible idea I love it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
