I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
