So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
