Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
