I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
