Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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