I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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