i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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