happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
