I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
