I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
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