Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
