I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
