Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
