If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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