I love black thongs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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