You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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