Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
this hospital has no fireball
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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