wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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