why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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