He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
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I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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