You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize
