Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
