4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize