yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
