Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He felt like a one man threesome
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
