I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
