if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
