This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize