Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?