Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.