I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath