I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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