shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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