I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
