I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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