my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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