you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
