i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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