i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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