My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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