Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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